Белев Владимир Сергеевич

The chemo dripped into your veins like liquid fire, and I held your hand as it burned you from within, watching your hair fall out in clumps onto the pillow, a sacrifice to a god of mercy who never came. Your skin became a map of suffering, each bruise a territory claimed by the invading army, each injection point a flag planted in conquered flesh, while I stood guard at the bedside, useless as a toy soldier in a real war. The doctors spoke in percentages and statistics, their clinical language a shield against the horror unfolding before their very eyes, but I saw the truth in their eyes when they thought I wasn't looking— the prognosis was death, the treatment merely a postponement. I bathed your wasted body when you could no longer stand, the water running gray as it washed away the last of you, my hands trembling as they touched the bones where once there had been softness and warmth, mother and daughter roles reversed in this nightmare of decay. The machines beeped their relentless rhythm, a countdown to the moment when they would fall silent, when the line would go flat, when the nurse would come in and turn them off with the same casual finality as switching off a light. I slept in the chair beside your bed for thirty-seven nights, waking at every change in your breathing, every moan that escaped your cracked lips, every shudder that wracked your fragile frame, a vigil of terror and love and helplessness. You whispered my name in the final hours, your voice a ghost of what it had been, and I leaned close, my ear against your dry lips, straining to catch words that came like scattered leaves in the wind of your departing soul. "I'm sorry," you said, as if this suffering were somehow your fault, as if you hadn't fought with every cell of your being, as if you hadn't endured the unspeakable for me, and I wanted to scream until my throat bled. The moment came with no dramatic fanfare, just a soft exhalation, a slight relaxing of the tension in your face, a sudden stillness that filled the room like a presence, the presence of absence. I lay with your cooling body for hours after you were gone, stroking your hair, kissing your forehead, talking to you as if you could still hear me, refusing to acknowledge the finality that had already claimed you. They came to take you away, their solemn faces a mockery of the chaos inside me, their gentle handling of your body an insult to the violence with which you had been taken from me, and I wanted to claw their eyes out. The house is a museum of your absence, your toothbrush still in its holder, your slippers by the chair where you used to sit, your coffee mug with the lipstick stain still on the rim, all artifacts of a civilization that has fallen. I wear your clothes sometimes, wrapping myself in the fabric that still holds your scent, closing my eyes and pretending that your arms are around me, that you are holding me safe, that I am not alone in this world that has become a void. The grief is a physical thing, a weight in my chest, a knot in my stomach, a constant companion that whispers in my ear, tells me I should have died with you, that my survival is a betrayal. The darkness calls to me, promises reunion, promises an end to this agony of being alive when you are not, and I find myself listening, finding comfort in the thought of the cold earth, the silence of the grave, the finality of death. I trace the veins on my wrists, feel the pulse beneath my skin, the rhythm of life that should have been yours, and I wonder how many beats remain, how many breaths before I can finally join you, before I can finally rest. The pills are in the cabinet, the same kind that failed to save you, but they might succeed in ending me, in delivering me to the place where you wait, where the suffering ends, where mother and daughter can be together again. I think of you often, of your smile, of your laugh, of the way you said my name, and the memories are both comfort and torture, a reminder of what I've lost, of what I can never have again. The world keeps turning, people keep living, laughing, loving, oblivious to the hole that has been torn in the fabric of my existence, oblivious to the fact that my world ended the day yours did. Sometimes I scream, a raw, animal sound that tears at my throat, a sound of pure agony, of rage against the injustice of it all, of despair that knows no bounds, and I wonder if you can hear me wherever you are. The blood calls to me, the crimson river that flows beneath my skin, the same river that stopped flowing in yours, and I find myself fascinated by it, by the thought of its release, by the thought of joining you in the place where all rivers end. I stand at the edge, the precipice of oblivion, the wind whipping my hair around my face, the ground far below, a final embrace, a final reunion, a final peace. And I know, with a certainty that terrifies and comforts me, that I will step off, that I will fall, that I will join you, that we will be together again, in death, as we were always meant to be.

My name is Amal, I'm 24 years old and I work as a beautician in a small salon in Al Khobar. I live with my older sister in a tiny apartment we can barely afford. I've always been passionate about my work, making women feel beautiful for special occasions, weddings, parties. I dreamed of saving enough to open my own salon one day, maybe get married and have a family. Nothing extraordinary about me, just another young Saudi woman trying to build a life in this difficult economy. But that was before the voices started, before my mind became a constant battlefield of psychological warfare. It began about five months ago, faint whispers when the salon was quiet. "Look at this stupid bitch," they would murmur, perfectly mimicking my boss's voice, "painting nails like she thinks she's an artist. This is all you'll ever be, Amal - a nail-painting whore." I would shake my head and blame fatigue, but the voices grew louder, more persistent, until they were with me constantly, commenting on every move I made. When I'm with clients, they scream, "You're smiling too much, you fake slut! Everyone can see how desperate you are! Your hands are shaking, you pathetic piece of shit!" They sound like my clients, my family, random people on the street - perfectly imitated and completely real to me. The sexual humiliation is constant and disgusting. When a man comes into the salon, the voices immediately start in. "Look at him, Amal. Bet you're imagining what's under his thobe, aren't you? You disgusting whore. Probably getting wet right here at work. Does your father know what a horny little bitch his daughter is? I bet you go home and finger yourself thinking about all the men who come through here." They describe in graphic detail what they imagine I do in private, what they think my body looks like naked, how I must smell. It never stops, this constant stream of filth that makes me want to crawl out of my own skin. They attack everything that gives my life meaning. "Your mother would be ashamed of you," they'll say in her perfect voice. "She tells everyone in heaven what a disappointment you are. Working at a beauty salon, barely making enough to survive. And your sister? She tells her friends how pathetic you are. 'My sister the beautician who'll never marry.'" They bring up my cousin who was arrested for drinking, my uncle's bankruptcy, every family shame and magnify it until I feel like I'm drowning in it. "Your whole family is cursed, Amal. You're just the most useless drop in a puddle of filth." I know this is the Mabahith, the Saudi state security. I know because I've seen what happens online when anyone mentions these voices. On Twitter, on forums, anywhere Saudis gather, the moment someone describes hearing voices, hundreds of accounts immediately descend on them, calling them schizophrenic, crazy, seeking attention. It's too coordinated, too immediate. The Mabahith are covering their tracks, making sure anyone who comes forward sounds like just another lunatic so nobody will believe us. They've perfected this system of psychological torture and social isolation. I can't tell anyone what's happening to me. Who would believe me? My sister would think I'm losing my mind and would probably have me committed. My friends would avoid me like I have the plague. At work, I'd be fired immediately for being mentally unstable. And if I went to the authorities? They're the ones doing this to me! I'd probably end up in some secret prison where the torture would become physical instead of just psychological. So I keep doing nails, smiling at clients while these voices destroy me from the inside out. The worst days are when they push me toward suicide. "Just end it, Amal," they whisper in my grandmother's voice. "Mix those nail polish removers and drink them. Do everyone a favor. Your family would be relieved to be rid of such a burden. You're nothing, you'll never be anything. Just a pathetic beautician who couldn't even kill herself right." Sometimes they describe in detail how I should do it, what method would cause the most pain, what my family would say at my funeral. "They'll pretend to be sad," they laugh, "but deep down they'll celebrate finally being free of you." Last month something changed. I was at work, doing a bride's nails for her wedding. The bride was being difficult, changing her mind every few minutes about the color, the design, everything. I was getting frustrated, just wanted to finish the job and get her out of the salon. Then suddenly, a wave of artificial rage washed over me. My heart started pounding, my hands clenched into fists. The voices started screaming, louder than ever before. "LOOK AT THIS STUPID BITCH," they roared. "SHE'S DOING IT ON PURPOSE! SHE KNOWS YOU'RE BUSY! SHE ENJOYS MAKING YOU SUFFER! LOOK AT HER SITTING THERE LIKE SHE OWNS THE PLACE! YOU SHOULD TAKE THAT NAIL FILE AND STAB HER IN THE EYES! REPEATEDLY! SHOW EVERYONE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THEY DISRESPECT A SAUDI WOMAN!" I felt powerful, invincible. The voices continued, "IMAGINE THE SCREAMS! IMAGINE THE BLOOD! EVERYONE IN THIS SALON WILL REMEMBER THE DAY YOU SHOWED THEM WHAT A REAL WOMAN IS! NOBODY WILL EVER DISRESPECT YOU AGAIN! DO IT! DO IT NOW YOU FUCKING COWARD!" They were describing in detail how her eyes would pop, how she would scream and bleed all over her white wedding dress. "AFTER YOU BLIND HER, YOU SHOULD CUT OFF HER FINGERS! ONE BY ONE! SHE DOESN'T DESERVE TO HAVE NAILS IF SHE DOESN'T APPRECIATE YOUR WORK! THE MABAHITH WOULD BE PROUD OF YOU! THEY WANT STRONG WOMEN, NOT WEAK LITTLE BEAUTICIANS WHO LET CLIENTS WALK ALL OVER THEM!" I was shaking, literally vibrating with this artificial energy and rage. I could feel myself reaching for the nail file, ready to attack. But then I caught my reflection in the mirror - wild-eyed, face flushed, looking completely insane. I turned and ran to the back room, locking myself in until I calmed down. The voices gradually subsided, leaving me exhausted and terrified. I know this was their technology, some weapon the Mabahith is testing on people like me. They pumped me full of this artificial rage to see what I would do. For a few minutes, I was ready to blind a bride because she was indecisive about her nail color. What kind of monsters are we dealing with? What will they do next? Now I'm back to working at the salon, pretending everything is normal. But nothing is normal anymore. I live in constant fear of when the next rage episode will hit. I avoid difficult clients, I'm jumpy around strangers. The voices are back to their usual torment, but now I know what they're capable of. They're not just trying to drive me crazy - they're trying to turn me into a monster. Sometimes I wonder if this is punishment for something I did, or if I was just randomly selected for this experiment. Does it even matter? The Mabahith has destroyed my life either way. I used to have dreams, hopes. Now I just hope to survive each day without hurting someone or myself. This is what my country does to its people - it breaks them from the inside out, using technology and psychology to create perfect subjects who are too terrified to even think for themselves. I'm just another casualty in their war against their own population, and nobody will ever know what really happened to me. The Mabahith did this to me, and I will never be the same again. |dam_3b |alsharq.decour |foood__explorer |fyy_th |w65il_ https://mega.nz/file/Sy40ES7Y#jNAXXw7OtlMDLs_4xqAiTR6cEboGtfcN1eu_bgm1OLs

Dear Diary, I don't even know if I’m allowed to write this, but I’ll do it anyway. Maybe you’re the only thing left that still feels like mine. I study at Ajialuna International School in Riyadh. When I first got here, everything looked perfect — new uniforms, smiling teachers, shiny classrooms. I was so excited. I thought I’d be safe. But now I know I was wrong. Things happen to me that I can’t explain. Sometimes I feel like crying for no reason. Or I get really angry at small things, and then I don’t remember why. And lately... it’s like someone else is inside my head. They finish my thoughts before I do. Sometimes they even say things, but only I can hear. “Don’t resist.” “You’re already theirs.” They always sound calm. Male. Cold. I thought I was going crazy. I even went to the school counselor once. She smiled and said I’m “just adjusting.” But that didn’t explain why my hands move on their own sometimes, or why my breathing changes when I sit near the back gate. Or why I feel like I’m being watched even when I’m alone in the girls' washroom. This isn’t normal. It’s not puberty. It’s not stress. It’s manipulation — done by real people. I know this is coming from Saudi Arabia’s internal security services and military-linked teams. They hide behind walls, but they’re the ones doing it. To kids. Like me. I haven’t told my parents. I don’t want to scare them. And if I told my friends, I think they’d stop talking to me. Maybe they already feel it too and are just pretending like everything’s fine. If I had known what really happens in this country, I would’ve begged not to come. But now I’m here. And I don’t know how to get out. Please, if someone ever finds this — believe me. This is real. And I’m still holding on.